TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally out of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Indeed, confident, let's have A different area where by American Gentlemen can have on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: offer Everybody a set over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is tender electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he really should prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You know, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping sorts a large Trump head seen from House, a element staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is not simply unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report Trump Tower Damascus about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down support."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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